The challenge of my children, your children and our children
When people get divorced and decide to remarry, the nuclear family is often transformed into a blended family that typically involves parents, children, stepparents, and stepchildren.
The initial years of a stepfamily relationship is often difficult for everybody involved and experiencing stress is normal. Keep in mind that all is not doom and gloom, and that a positive and fulfilling outcome which all parties gain from is possible.
Some families may find it beneficial to speak to a therapist before blending a family to prepare for the change, address expectations, and discuss the challenges of blending a family.
This article aims to highlight some of the challenges families may face, and to provide general guidelines that should be kept in mind when you are planning to remarry.
Challenges for children
Children are often the ones mostly affected by a blended family. Remember that the adults decide to divorce, not the children. The adults make all the decisions – who gets what, who moves out, when visits are allowed, when they remarry, who they marry, and where they want to live. Divorce changes every aspect of a child’s life – add to this a new parental figure and stepsiblings and it adds up that a child can begin to feel overwhelmed, fearful, and confused.
After the divorce of their parents, children can find it difficult to adjust to a new parent and might express their frustration with emotional and behavioural outbursts. Among the reasons for these outbursts are the following:
- They feel uncertain and ask questions such as “How will I blend in? Will I be accepted? Who should I listen to? What other changes will I have to get used to?”
- They may feel sad, angry, or jealous that they must share you with a stepparent and stepchildren.
- They may blame you/the stepparent for breaking up the family.
- Because the child did not choose the new partner, they do not share the same feelings towards the new partner.
- They may reject the new partner because he/she is a reminder that the biological parents will never get back together again.
- Some children may struggle with feelings for the new parent. Before the remarriage, the child may have viewed the stepparent as a friend, but when this person becomes a stepparent, the child may resent what he/she views as a “replacement” of the biological parent.
- When the child starts caring or liking the stepparent, he/she might feel that this is a betrayal of the biological parent. Children can feel torn between their parents and worry about which parent they should be loyal to.
- Visits with the other parent also requires adjustment. What was once normal, i.e., one family spending unlimited and spontaneous time together every day, no longer exists. The child must now get used to visiting schedules and moving between homes on a regular basis.
- Children may complain about the stepparent to the “outside” parent, which can strain relations in what may be an already tense relationship between the divorced parents.
- Sibling rivalry takes on a new dimension – children may worry that their parent will love the stepchildren more and compete for attention and dominance in the new household.
- Children in blended families may have difficulties with one another’s territory. The children whose house it was originally may not welcome others invading their space, whereas the children moving into the home may feel like they are intruders that are not welcome.
- Children may feel jealous of new spouses and/or children – they often become upset and jealous of the time spent with new family members.
Challenges for parents and stepparents.
Transitioning from a couple dating and spending a lot of time together alone, to moving in together with stepchildren inevitably changes the picture. The couple may, therefore, find it difficult to adjust to their new roles as part of a larger family, rather than just being a couple.
- The couple may have differing parenting and discipline styles that can lead to conflict.
- Issues arising with a partner’s children may cause conflict and unwanted discourse in the newly wedded couple.
- New stepparents may struggle to strike a balance between winning the affection of the children and parenting efficiently.
- Individuals who do not have their own children have to face the additional stress of having to parent a stepchild.
- Spouses may become jealous of attention given to children – it can be tough to lose the time, affection, and attention of your new partner.
- Conflict with ex-spouses, disputes about custody and visitations, unresolved conflict and jealousy also contributes to challenges and tensions in the couple.
Guidelines
Acknowledging that everybody faces challenges may assist couples in navigating the new road. Remember that you cannot forge bonds overnight. Take it slowly in your endeavour to build up a shared history, figure out new relationships and roles, and adapt to the new normal. Allow children time and space to grieve their losses, overcome their fears and adapt to the situation in their own way.
- The couple should first discuss household roles, rules, and discipline, as well as how to address sibling rivalry and consequences for breaking rules that they both feel comfortable with. Once they have done this, it could be shared with the family together. Always present a united front and work as a team.
- Engage with the children and allow them to express their feelings and fears.
- Make it clear to the children and partner that you expect them to respect each other, but not to necessarily love each other.
- Be open and clear and don’t take the children’s reactions or attitudes personally.
- Allow the biological parent to discipline the child based on the established rules, allowing the stepparent to initially focus on building a bond with the child.
- You cannot take the ex- spouse’s place – the child has a mom/dad, and you have a different role. It follows that children shouldn’t be pressured to love the stepparent or call them mom/dad. Children must be allowed to continue loving their mom/dad while still having a close relationship with you as a stepparent. Expect mutual courtesy, respect, and kindness, but do not force the relationship.
- Each parent should carry on spending regular quality time together with their biological children every day. Your spouse and child should know that they can still have time with you alone. Make time for these activities away from the stepparent and siblings.
- Begin new traditions as a family, such as going for a walk in the park every Friday afternoon, so that they can get to know each other in a relaxed way. Create new memories instead of trying to replicate the traditions of the biological families.
- If possible, try to involve both biological parents, and grandparents as well as stepparents and step-grandparents in important events like birthday parties. Getting along for the child’s sake is important.
- Avoid blaming each other’s children for causing rifts between the children – try not to take sides. Remember that the kids are strangers to each other and won’t become friends overnight.
- Try to point out that all the children have different interests, skills, talents, and strengths, and never compare them to each other.
- Avoid trying to overcompensate by favouring the stepchildren or overindulging your own child.
- Children in stepfamilies might be more comfortable with verbal affection such as praise and acknowledgements instead of physical affection such as hugs and kisses.
- Never talk negatively about your own or your spouse’s ex – that parent is still your child’s or stepchild’s parent no matter what you feel about the person.
- Avoid trying to “curry favour” with the child by taking their side and disagreeing with your spouse when they have a dispute with the biological parent.
- Do not engage in a parenting discussion with your spouse and his ex about their child.
- Help the child to avoid loyalty issues by never criticising the ex in front of the child, not quizzing the child about what happened at the other parent’s house or using the child as a messenger.
- Maintain the quality of your marriage by spending time together away from the children, such as date nights or going for breakfast when kids are at school, while still making time to be together as a new family.